Early start this morning.
I've got to take my dad to a hospital in Jackson this morning for a kidney biopsy.
His doctor/nurse practioner put him on some meds that don't agree with his kidneys. He has blood in his urine and he's losing tissue.
They don't think it's cancer. They even said they wouldn't do a biopsy if they thought it was cancer so that's good news. They just want to poke around and see what's up.
Dad won't give me any trouble. It's Mom I'm worried about. She can't drive in a lot of traffic on the interstate. She freaks out and slows down to a crawl. When someone else drives, she hangs onto the "oh shit" handles or the dash and gasps every single breath--which drives us crazy.
Dad said the doctors were going to give him valium today to relax him for this procedure. I talked to him last night and asked him if he thought his doctors would be willing to give him a few extra pills so I could dope Mom up for the drive home. He laughed and said he'd definitely ask.
Yesterday afternoon was spent in our local ER.
My sister called and asked what I was doing. I told her that I was watching the clothes dry. She asked if I wanted to go with her to the ER.
Her son had stuck one of those little bitty dehydrated apple bites for toddlers up his nose. Little stinker.
She came to pick me up so while she was here I grabbed my flashlight and a pair of tweezers to see if I could save us a trip.
Uh. No.
You know what happens when snot hits a dehydrated apple bite? It swells right up and gets slicker than owl shit***.
***I do not know squat about owl shit. It's just a saying that's been handed down and I accept that owl shit must be slick. I do not want to test this theory.***
I had him blow his nose for awhile. Then I told him to smell how good my black pepper was. He sneezed 5 or 6 times but nothing happened. I called our STAT care to see if they were open on Sunday. Nope. So off to the ER we went.
We arrived at the ER and a good customer of mine happened to be the Triage nurse that day. She called us back straight away. She told me that we didn't need to be in the waiting room with all the "frequent flyers" looking for pain meds. She would rather have us wait in an examination room.
A male nurse came in and looked up my nephew's nose. He couldn't see the apple bite. He looked down his throat. He looked in his ears. Then he looked at us like we were, you know, Coo Coo for Coco Puffs. That's CCFCCP in ER terminology. That's a real acronym in ER slang. Google it. I'll wait.
See?
Anyway, the boynurse left the room and we were sitting around talking. Sis noticed that a huge gallon container of "GOJO" hand cleaner was on the counter next to all the bacteria sprays and bandages and stuff. What the heck do they use GOJO for? I thought mechanics used GOJO to get the caked on grease off their hands. It feels like liquid sandpaper because it has pumice in it.
We were sitting around talking about various reasons for using GOJO in the ER and laughing our fool heads off. You don't want to know the ideas we came up with because some of them might have been related to treatment of STD's and Clorox. Ahem.
My nephew starting laughing because we were. Next thing I knew, I felt something slimy sliding over my arm. (I was holding him in my lap.) There was the mysterious apple bite.
Sis went to get the nurse to see if we needed to stay or if we should just go home. He came in and saw the apple bite which had grown to the size of a penny. Remember him? He was the one who thought we were CCFCCP. I wanted to be all "in your face...we're not crazy" but I didn't. Dammit.
The doctor came in and saw the apple bite and asked us how in the world it came out of the little opening in his nose?
Ok.
I'm no genius. The thing was slimy. Like snot. So I got all technical and told the doctor about the apple bite being slimy and it just slid out. I got him to touch it. Heh. I told him there would be no charge for my evaluation.
Then nephew started laughing and told him that the GOJO made the apple bite come out. Me and sis died laughing. I mean we had tears rolling down our faces.
The doctor and the boynurse looked at us and laughed too. You know how you laugh at something you're not in on just to be cool? Yeah, like that.
I told the Doctor never to forget that laughter is the best medicine in the world. He smiled and said that indeed, it was.
He handed Sis a bottle of saline to squirt in his nose since we were showing off our mad medical skillz. Then he examined his nose, throat and ears again. All clear for take off.
My friend, the Triage nurse, came in to check us out of the ER. She was laughing to the point of tears when we explained the whole thing to her about us laughing and the GOJO. She had to grab her sides when Sis told her that I got the Doc to touch the slimy apple bite. She asked us could we come back on Friday night to lighten the mood again.
Sis felt like we'd wasted the ER's time since the thing came out on its own. My friend told her that was not true. She told her anytime a kid sticks something in his nose or ears it can get really serious.
Then she burst out laughing again. She shook her head and said something about Clorox and GOJO in reference to an STD and left.
And so did we.
Cheater glasses - November 20, 2008 Don't mess with my iced tea - November 18, 2008 Happy Birthday Danny DeVito - November 17, 2008 Mrs. Beasley - November 13, 2008 foot ailment - November 12, 2008
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